As I am approaching my 60th birthday, I am filled with excitement! This is now the start of the next ‘chunk’ of my life, my proper Crone phase………. I can now embrace myself properly. Proper? I keep using this word, don’t I? Perhaps I haven’t felt ‘proper’ for a long time. I didn’t retire properly, I haven’t had a proper diagnosis for my pain condition (yet).

Perhaps 60 will be a bit like being a teenager again, because I will be a young Crone, with the next 30, or even 40 years stretching ahead of me (gulp!)……… I am certainly entering my 61st year in a better mental and physical state than I did my mid 50’s. It is surprising of me to say that really, as I still suffer from chronic pain and fatigue of the same intensity and constancy as before, BUT – I’m getting fitter despite it. And that is because now I dance again…….. I have been afraid of hurting myself by exercising for years. Even with all my knowledge as a physio, I was still scared. I didn’t want to hurt more, to sensitise further my already sensitive body. But I don’t hurt more (well perhaps on Tuesday’s, my Fitsteps class night I do), but it is so, so worth it. My legs are moving quicker, I can actually hop a bit, and do skippy moves, and now keep up with the others better than I used to. How bloody marvellous is that? Pretty bloody marvellous, I can tell you!

I want to be lean, and strong, and resilient. Even if I eventually get some sort of diagnosis from the rheumatologist in May, I will keep on this path now. I think the hyperbaric oxygen kick started this new attitude, and an absolute determined will to dance everyday. I usually dance to Honky Tonk Woman, Love Shack, and Brown Sugar, but change it around as well. I practice all the steps from my class -quick changes of leg direction, and Pasa arm flinging actions. I didn’t start out gently in the beginning either – because my spirit was strong, I just dove straight in – albeit slower than the rest of the class. My physio voice was saying “take it gently, baby steps…..” My warrior voice said ” “Go for it, dance your socks off…..” So I did! Hooray! I am so glad I did.

Sixty also seems like a ‘proper’ age to be retired (even though I’m a few years away from my state pension – grrrrrrrrh), so it might feel a bit more proper, and not awkwardly guilty (my stuff, I know).

I feel very blessed to be approaching 60, I have never felt like this about a ‘big’ birthday before. It seems highly significant and very positive. My 50’s have been difficult, and who knows what my 60’s will bring – but I’m going to dance my way through them with courage and grace ………

I have just posted a comment on a chronic pain forum that I subscribe to, in response to a woman saying that she is so tired of the pain and fatigue. There then followed about 30 negative responses from other chronic pain sufferers about how they felt the same, etc., etc. So I posted a response. It makes me realise how far I have come, despite having had another tough couple of weeks.

*POSITIVE POST ALERT*

It’s not just ‘tired’ though, is it? It’s treacle and fog, and deathliness and pure utter crappiness. I have fibromyalgia/chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety and depression – call it what you will, with no proper diagnosis,this has been my life for the last 6 years since my dad died and I had a bad jarring to my body on a speedboat ride on holiday that same year. But you know what – I have decided to get fit, despite the pain and fatigue. I have lost weight (over 2 stones) with the 5:2 way of eating, mainly cut out sugar, alcohol, potatoes and legumes, started an hour long dance class once a week, and dance every day to 3 tracks (usually honky tonk woman, love shack and brown sugar). I also walk my dog every day over 2 miles. I rest when I need to, ‘pace’ my days, and now have regular psychotherapy as I don’t want to go back on AD’s (I was on Prozac for 18 months, but they gave me an ulcer). Do you know what – my legs are getting quicker in the dance class, my body is moving again, it had definitely forgotten how, and I am not so frightened of moving it any more. Yes I hurt, but no more than before, so I am bloody determined to keep going! I also meditate and practice mindfulness, (the realisation that hating having pain is actually worse than the pain itself), and work on keeping ‘present’. Don’t get me wrong, I struggle, BOY how I struggle! But, I keep coming back to all the positive stuff as soon as I am able. If I have one of ‘those’ days, I sort of let it have me for a while, and then change the energy when I can with some movement based activity. Good luck. Let’s live our lives, despite the pain, life can be good. I believe that my pain has taught me an enormous lesson. I was a physiotherapist for 20 years, helping people in pain, and would never have believed that this would or could happen to me. Unfair? Yes! But who ever said life was fair……….. X